Dealing with the consequences of moving…

(AUGUST 10th 2017)

I think it`s really important to be honest, and if I’m honest this whole “take a leap of faith” shit isn’t necessarily as great as they all make it out to be, as least not right now. And I think this is where a lot of people get stuck, like me, stuck in this zone of the unknown, where the future isn’t certain and the present is kind of a pain. I moved an ocean away from everyone and everything I love because I was (still am) crazy enough to think that this is the ‘more’ I’m searching for in life, somewhere here in Berlin. I wanted ‘more’ out of life, I want an extraordinary life and I will quiet literally do anything for it. THE DREAM IS EVERYTHING, that`s how I like to summarize it. But first I need to define ‘more’ down to the T, which I haven’t been able to do very successfully until now… After careful consideration, I’m starting to think the ‘more’ isn’t actually a place, it`s all within me, however the ‘more’ can only grow if I put myself in a position to succeed. And I know that here, literally as in Berlin, is where I can grow the most, where I can achieve what I want to achieve… are you still following my train of thought? Okay, great.

But right now bottom line it`s kind of a rough patch with my inner dialogue. I want to be honest because I think I might only show my best self on social media, and I want to make sure that you can see, that there is still reality, struggle, and desolation within me. This shit is hard. Big dreams aren’t an easy journey. Its like being a teenager, not really knowing how your feeling or having the vocabulary to express those emotions, I’m so tremendously stuck in-between the past, the beautiful moments that existed then, the now, confusion and mixed-emotions, and then future, all the glory that it holds. I don’t know where to categorize myself within all these zones… time zones – pun intended. As someone who literally categorizes everything in her life, I`m struggling, for real.

A lot of questions arising now… How long do I mourn the past? And how do I decide to suddenly embody and prepare for everything my future hold? How am I suppose to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I can`t even find the freaking signs pointing towards the exit? I feel like I am being dived into two, much like the quote about the two wolves:

“A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies, the one you feed

One of my very good friends in high school, Jason, who at the time was one of the few people that I felt really saw and understood who I was and what I wanted out of life, told me this quote. It wasn’t years later that I really internalized it and found the deeper message. In this instance its not necessarily a big angry wolf, however it is a wolf that wants to tell me to sit back rid out whatever the hell this strange feeling, and coast till its over. But I mean that’s essentially fear right? Giving into fear? Or just simply backing into a corner until fear passes?

According to my life philosophy that’s not how Sara-Lynn does life, she takes action. The Good wolf, the one that pushed me to do what I needed to do and get me ultimately here to Berlin, tells me to have faith. I used to think the word faith had too much association with God, and as an unreligious individual that bothered me because it didn’t convey the point I was trying to make, now I see it as a synonym to belief. Faith, if you ask me, is really important especially if you’re in the shoes that I’m walking in right now. Belief that these “teenager blues”, the “strange and out-of-place emotions” are a phase, that they are just the “toxins” being released in order to fully take on whatever the Universe has in store for me, is simply the only explanation I can settle for right now. Anything else seems as though it may suck me up and never let me go, fear taking hold of me… I`m referring to the angry wolf, the negative POV of life, in case you didn’t catch my drift there. This really good book I read a while ago explained it this way:

“When we rid ourselves of limiting subconscious beliefs that have been holding us back and take a giant leap outside our comfort zone. It`s a detox of such staggering proportions that sometimes it can feel like The Universe is conspiring against us- trees fall on our cars, our computer crashes, we find our significant other sleeping with our best friend, we get our identities stolen, we get the flu, we sit in gum- when in reality, (My notes: it`s simply the bad wolf) the inner voice that constantly doubts, attempting to self-sabotage and keep everything as is, instead of moving forward into the unknown, yet desperately wanted, new territories.” [You are a Badass, Ch. – The Big Snooze, Pg. 45]

 I read this part when I was in the middle on the ‘stuck’ feeling, and it`s funny how when you have that little faith still existing somewhere within you, somewhere in the hay stacks of self-doubt, a sign STILL appears. As I said before I want my dream life as much as I want to breathe, and for that I need the good wolf & a ton of self-discipline to just keep moving forwards.

Now speaking on the tail-end of the stuck, the gum that’s been keeping my foot in place is finally coming off little by little. Kind of like that scene in the Princess Dairies (ladies, you know what I mean right?) where at the very end of the movie she lifts her foot to test if Michael is the prince for her, because every other time she kissed someone she got stuck… well she kisses Michael, and the gum is gone, and she knows that Michael is the right guy, and everything is beautiful and meant to be, she can fall madly in love now? Yeah. That free falling is what I mean. I still feel like there`s parts of me emotionally that are stuck, as though I’m still on the guy before Josh Bryant, the “back street boy clone”, except with this small chapter of my life, of being fearful of the future and half-unstuck. The gum is still preventing me from moving forward, or rather I haven’t gotten ‘real’ with myself or my bad wolf and walked off in a rush to find or start the next chapter in my life. The pages need to turn but the only person who can do that is me… as these two quote so lovely states:

“When writing the STORY of your LIFE, don’t let anyone else hold the pen”

“At any given moment you have the power to say this is NOT how the story is going to END”

 Perhaps the only one to blame is myself, maybe I just to keep moving, walking forwards and the solutions will come. My gut, my good wolf, tells me this might be the case. Belief is everything, and if I point my belief in the right direction, and I follow it, I think I’ll find the exit signs and I think I`ll find the light at the end of the tunnel.

But hey maybe I`m full of crap, and this whole metaphor I`ve come up doesn’t actually lead me anywhere. Who knows. I guess stay tuned to find out, and hey if your feeling generous send some good vibes my way.

xx

– S

One Comment Add yours

  1. Arturo Jimenez Jr says:

    You are not alone Sara! I love reading the rawness of your experiences–no sugar coating. You’re basically the female version of me. Keep it coming!!!

    Like

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